Personal Statement Help

[Tux]

UCAS Personal Statement, by Me.
OOo Writer format - 8.4KBs.

Hey guys.
I'd love you to take a look at my personal statement, it is for my upcoming applications to university.

I have a few things i'd like you to tell me about (in addition to anything that you notice):

Too much/not enough dick waving?
Is the formality/personality balance OK?
Overuse of 'I'?
I think I need to provide examples of what i've done in C.
Grammar, Punctuation.

Also it would be cool if you could print it off so you can get a feel for it on paper as they will.
Please don't snigger if there is anything retarded, this is like draft 1.5 with a few more to come.
That's it I guess.

TIA

[Void Main]

Wow, I really wish I could help and offer advice but I never really had to do anything like this. If it's any consolation it looks good though. :) Hopefully others here can provide input.

[Tux]

Hehe, thanks.
Would you ask me in for interview?

[Void Main]

Well, *I* would because I know you. :) For jobs here we use resumes. The resume is in some form of structured format that lists your work experience. That is date ranges, where you worked, what your responsibilities were, etc. You would also list your educational background, certifications, possibly awards, etc. You might use paragraph or bulleted style depending on what looks nice and is easy to read. On resumes here you really wouldn't want to list any personal information except for your name, phone number and address. You wouldn't for instance list your religion and hobbies. Well, you could, but chances are that could work against you just as easily as for you.

But that is what you submit to companies when you are looking for employment with them. This is what they use to compare with other people to see who they want to bring in for an interview. If I understand your situtuation correctly you are writing this to get into a college, is that correct? I never had to do this and I don't know how things are different on your side of the world. My daughter is of the age where I need to figure all this stuff out soon though as she only has two more years before it's off to college. Four more for my son. I don't know where they're going to get the money to go though, guess they better start looking for a job. :) I could help them with their resume I guess. :)

[Tux]

Yes it's for my university application.
Basically, you have a four page for which asks you all sorts of crap including grades and qualifications, employment, name, address, a reference from a teacher, financial eligability and lots of other junk. On one of the pages there is a box, that accupies about 3/4 of the area and you have to fill it. It's basically selling yourself and trying to show a passion for the subject, without making yourself look like a social recluse. You also try to not sound cheesy or generic, but at the end of the day at 17 years old, you're not much different from any of the other applicants so you fail miserably.

[Tux]

Here is a collection of personal statements that other people used for their university application:
http://www.studential.com/bio/pss.asp

I would like mine to be as good as, or better than, these two:
One-Two

I have about two months to get there.

[dishawjp]

Tux,

I've gone through your personal statement. Great job!

I do have a few comments I'd like to pass along privately, Check your messages.

Jim

[Tux]

Cheers Jim!
I will post my next draft when it is done, i'm not sure when that will be.
I have until mid-september to get the finished article done.

[dishawjp]

Tux,

Glad to hear that you found my comments helpful.

It might be best to either e-mail me or PM me when you're ready to have me take another look. I work two jobs and summer is my busy season at my primary job. I'm also taking a class in Perl programming two nights a week right now. To say that I don't have a lot of time to cruise the forums would be an understatement.

Jim